Parenting
Who Are We Gonna Live With, Mom?

Jun 15, 2008 - 3:21:23 PM

Custody of the children is such an important decision when going through a divorce. It's probably the first thing that you thought of, right? "The kids stay with me!" Even if you get sole custody of the kids, sometimes they will be gone on nights and weekends. How are you going to deal with the fact that they may not live with you all of the time? What if they only live with you part of the time? What is really in their best interest? All of these questions are very difficult to answer, but they do need to be addressed, and discussed honestly.

Three Key Points to Make Deciding Who Gets Custody Easier

My first suggestion is to schedule a time to meet with your ex without the children. See what his thoughts and feelings are on the subject and try not to react emotionally. I know that might seem impossible, but you will have to remember that everyone involved in the situation is fired up with emotion, so taking the emotion out of the situation will make things go a lot smoother.

Prepare yourself. What are some of his possible answers to your questions? Will he want to have the kids all to himself or would he be happy just visiting them? Also, all you can do is prepare yourself. Expect that he may say everything that is your worst fear, so you will have to deal with what you will rationally do in the situation. You need to ask yourself some questions too. "Am I going to go in fighting to keep the kids, or is it really in their best interest to stay with their dad part of the time?" I know it hurts to even think about, but you will feel better making the right decision before you meet with your ex.

Your next step should be to talk with your children. Have a plan in place, and tell them what you are thinking. Obviously, this will depend on how old the children are, but you would be surprised how much they really understand even at a young age. Ask them what their feelings are. Have they always stayed home with you? Would it be beneficial to come up with a joint custody arrangement? You do need to take into consideration what your children are feeling, but they are only children at this point. You are still the parent for a reason. If they want to go live with dad because he will let them eat candy every day for dinner, then they aren't ready to help with making such a big decision.

Just remember, no matter what, your kids will always be yours. These custody situations can be complicated, but with a little effort from both parties, very normal, pleasant environments for the best interest of the children can be achieved. And, by using good thinking processes, you'll also be putting a halt to a potentially devastating second divorce. We don't want you to be a part of that growing statistic.

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Len Stauffenger's parents taught him life's simple wisdom. As a divorced dad, he wanted to share that simple wisdom with his girls. "Getting Over It: Wisdom for Divorced Parents," his book, is the solution. Len is an author, a Success Coach and an Attorney. http://www.wisdomfordivorcedparents.com